We never plan for our marriage to end. We do not usually think that at sometime in your child’s life they will have two beds, two dressers filled with clothes they keep at two separate homes.
Sometimes divorce is inevitable and sometimes someone makes a choice or a mistake and here we are. I personally am divorced from my first husband and the father of my children. I also am remarried and I do not have children with my second husband. This brings attention to the fact that even when we are divorced there are many different dynamics that we are dealing with. Rarely does your divorce go the same as another.
In this article I am just going to mention some of the things that I have learned so far going through this life of combined families and divorce. It’s not something many people share. In our society divorce is becoming more acceptable and with that we should be more open about the struggles we endure.
I will not give you all the ugly of my divorce but I will tell you I never imagined how hard it all would be, but I do not regret it! As a mother it was my choice to get a divorce and at the time I chose to seek counseling to be certain it was a choice I was able to live with. It was my first time seeking counseling. My counselor helped me realize the struggle I was up against with each of my children. Their ages and their gender would play a big role in how divorce affected their development and how they would react. I had confidence that the children I raised would eventually be ok. That they would not be damaged to the point of no return. That perhaps one day as they grew into adulthood that they would understand. I had to wait a long time for that.
I will tell you that the younger your child is the easier it is on them. They have less established in life that will be uprooted. Still it is hard!!
I am also certain that why you are divorced will also impact your child. Eventually when they are old enough to understand why their parents couldn’t survive it will affect their perception of you as a person and help mold them into the person they believe they want to be based on who you taught them not to be. Every time a child disagrees with something their parents do they either later find it ok because mom or dad does it and they make similar choices or they do not want to make that same mistake and may go to extreme measures not to make that same choice.
Your divorce may teach your child to be a better wife or husband. It could also teach your child not to get married or simply how to do all the wrong things. My point is that you are teaching your child how to love someone and how to build a life with them and you are also teaching your child how it can fall apart. Well sadly that’s life but it’s important that we can take this difficult moment and continue teaching our little hams. We can teach them that divorce doesn’t ruin our life and sometimes we just need to make changes because the choice we made is no longer good for us.
People change and there is no denying that and we should all take marriage very seriously. It is sacred and I wish I only had done it once. I wasn’t that lucky and neither were my children. None of it was their fault and I wish I could have provided the perfect life they deserved. Sometimes that is out of our control. When we are dealt with a situation that is out of our control we as parents still need to think about what is best for the children.
If you find yourself reading this and you are divorced with children or you are struggling in your marriage please keep in mind that every choice you make is now affecting your children in more ways than you can even imagine. When you struggle and you aren’t sure what to do think about how your choice will affect your child. Believe it or not it helps you make the right decisions.
My best advice to one that is going through a divorce with children is to remember your child is a piece of your X and therefore your child has love for that person and every time you say or do something negative towards that person your child will be directly affected. My best example is when a parent talks negatively about the other parent and you are left with a child that is now thinking “my mom thinks my dad is a bad man and I bet she thinks I’m bad too because I love him. I love my dad.”
A child’s brain doesn’t think like ours. They haven’t developed the understanding and emotion that goes along with divorce and like I said before it’s difficult. Try to help your child understand that you love them but you aren’t happy with their other parent. Turning your child against them because you are angry will not work well for you. Someday your child will grow to understand and they will look back on all the history of your family dynamics before and after divorce and they will gather their own assessment. Until then you can help them understand in a positive way that none of this is your child’s fault. Make sure they know this! Make sure you tell them you love them and keep an open line of communication while they grow. Answer their questions honestly. In time they will be an adult and things will make more sense to them. Until then be the best teacher your child can ever have.
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